Many years ago, I found myself in a hopeless, helpless state; at a place in my mind where nothing made sense. I had become extremely cynical and could see no point in anything.
The world seemed to be a place of suffering. Happiness had become an elusive state of mind that didn’t last and I didn’t expect it to — it never had and couldn’t be trusted.
I had my own business. I travelled. I had friends, and outwardly was ‘doing okay’, but inwardly I had arrived at a place where peace didn’t seem to exist. Towards my friends and family my face was false, a mask that I hid behind. I would laugh and smile and joke around; I was very good at this deception.
We can all have things in our lives that damage us and I am part of a fallen world just the same as everyone else. My father, whom I loved, was a chronic alcoholic and I carried that shame. I don’t want to bore you with my life story, but I do want to tell you about the love and saving grace of Jesus Christ. Not only does he save us from ourselves, but his blood, shed for us on Calvary’s cross, saves us from the penalty of eternal death.
How I arrived at the place where my heavenly Father plucked me from the mire (Psalm 40) and stood me in the sunshine of his grace, is another story, but arrive I did. I believe the enemy, Satan, did try and stop me though.
My mind was so distorted and tormented by this time, that I was looking for a way out. I wanted oblivion and played with the idea that a bottle of sleeping pills may give me the peace I longed for. But even that road held no escape. How could I bring such devastation on my family? I was trapped, with no way out.
Little did I know then that my idea of a way out would have held no peace. And little did I know then what awaited God’s perfect timing in my life. That perfect timing came one cold, snowy morning, before the house where I was staying at the time stirred.
Halfway across the world in Vancouver (British Columbia), Canada, I got down on my knees and asked a God I didn’t even know existed to prove himself to me, because I was desperate.
This bit is hard to write, even now after 35 years or so of my life. The memory of first meeting that divine love, a love that transcends time, a love that entered my soul so deeply, a love that knew the number of hairs I have on my head, moves me to tears.
I offered this God I was talking to nothing, other than a hope that maybe, just maybe, he was there and could hear my cry. Amazingly, he has proved to me over and over again that he was there, until I was bursting at the seams with this truth.
I could have flown back home without the aid of the plane! The hymn ‘Amazing grace’ could have been written for me: I once was lost but now was found, was blind but now could see!
My spiritual eyes had been opened. I believed because he had shown that he loved me. I was found because he loved me. He then showed me that I needed to repent of my sins, that I was saved by his grace alone (we are all sinners in a fallen world), and what his death on the cross and shed blood meant for mankind’s blessing.
I am still the same imperfect person that I always was, but I am saved, changed and washed clean, covered by the blood of the Lamb, who is God’s only Son.